Invisible or Heard?

Posted on April 21, 2025 by dfolstad58

Greetings in the warmest possible way to you today. Thank you for arriving to read this post and double thanks to those who gift me with their thoughts in a comment at the bottom of the post. Sincerely I mean that.

Anyone who had taught someone else knows that it means you need to learn that “thing” even better in order to teach someone.

In the same vein, in order for me to give a condensed 7.5 minute speech I need to have a fairly good handle on it to condense it down so I can share it in a very brief conversation with an audience. I tried my best on this topic.

Recently that topic was explaining “Diminishers” and Illuminators” as discovered by David Brooks in his book “How to Know a Person“.

I heard him on Youtube and he seemed clever and well-spoken but he described himself as having the “social skills of a head of a cabbage”. He was committed to learn more and he states that is what writers do – learn and share what they learn.

He discovered in the course of researching his book that in society today there large numbers of people who feel unseen and misunderstood.

In his book “How to Know a Person” he identifies that there are two broad categories of humans with respect to human interaction.

You can identify which of them you are interacting with by how they make you feel.

Diminishers, who might be oblivious to how they are acting, and decent people can make others feel insignificant or even invisible.

Illuminators are those people who put a cloud under your feet and you walk away afterwards with a smile inside and out.

♥Illuminators are uplifting, you feel valued in their eyes, they are focused on the other person. They make you feel special, heard, respected, noticed and valued.

David Brooks set out to become an illuminator and help others as well.

I confess I have not finished the book, partly because it is so well written I find myself re-reading portions. If it wasn’t a library book – I would have attacked it with a highlighter by now.

In my recent speech at Toastmasters I shared the behaviors of Diminishers and Illuminators.

Diminishers:

  1. They are quiet, they are seeing you but they aren’t curious. They don’t ask for more detail.
  2. They talk too long and dominate the conversation. They may ask a question but are really quick to return the conversation to themselves. The words of their chat are filled with “I, me, mine, my”.
  3. They are insensitive to what they are told. They neither celebrate, empathize with what they hear you say and don’t ask follow-up questions. They are on their phones! They don’t make eye contact. While “listening” they are watching something else.
  4. Diminishers interrupt which causes speakers to feel disrespected and unheard.

Illuminators

  1. They are conversation cheerleaders, David Brooks calls them Loud Listeners. They are asking questions for more detail, colour? Taste? Yay! Speakers feel the listeners attention. Illuminators are curious.
  2. Illuminators talk, sharing is important for them also but they don’t dominate the conversation. They replace “I, me, mine, my” with “you”. They say things like “I am sure you can relate, or You probably have had a similar experience, or I am interested in your thoughts.
  3. They are acknowledgers. They welcome you standing, and bid you good-bye standing. They wave, and fist bump, they dance up and down are filled with enthusiasm that is sincere and genuine. Even if they are busy, they find a way to wave and acknowledge you when they see you.
  4. Illuminators do not interrupt. They do not reply to what you say but they respond. They respond by echoing or paraphrasing what you said to show they were listening and to ensure they understood.

Now that took nearly seven minutes of my speech to explain the behaviors of each and do my opening and so I had thirty seconds to wrap up.

Which I did with my condensed version of behaviors that I would try to remember to do better in my interactions in the future.

Firstly – wait two seconds before speaking when listening to someone.

Secondly – not reply but echo what I heard to share what I think I heard.

Thirdly – Smile and ask if I got it right?

I think the proverb ‘ Be Slow to speak, and Quick to Listen” is a wise motto.

But David Brooks goal is not to help us become good listeners but instead better conversationalists. He explains that a good conversationalist leads people to a mutual expedition toward understanding so that both participants are uplifted and enriched, (Perhaps being an illuminator is the first step?)

“The real act of, say, building a friendship or creating a community involves performing a series of small, concrete social actions well: disagreeing without poisoning the relationship; revealing vulnerability at the appropriate pace; being a good listener; knowing how to end a conversation gracefully; knowing how to ask for and offer forgiveness; knowing how to let someone down without breaking their heart; knowing how to sit with someone who is suffering; knowing how to host a gathering where everyone feels embraced; knowing how to see things from another’s point of view.”
― David Brooks, How to Know a Person: The Art of Seeing Others Deeply and Being Deeply Seen

Thanks for reading, – see you next time♥

I am happy to report the warm weather of Easter opened up the cherry blossoms on my tree and hopefully this is symbolic to all of us having a fruitful spring.

Best wishes truly, Dave

PS – Let me know what you think below. ♥

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It’s Time for a Review

Posted on April 19, 2025 by dfolstad58

Dear blogging friends, Happy Easter weekend to you! I hope that you are enjoying time with your families walking in the spring sunshine.

Here in the Okanagan valley, spring is evident. Snow is no longer on the caps of the valley around us. The cherries trees are in blossom in the valley and I can’t decide if I like pink or white blossoms more, what a conundrum eh?

Yesterday on my bike ride to the north side of town and Okanagan lake I had a nice surprise. I saw something large dive when I was standing out on the pier that juts out into the lake. It was much larger than a duck and I saw a streak of white.

My son spotted it first when it bobbed to the surface. a beautiful loon. It was black with a white band around it’s neck and at first it was fairly close then it swam/sauntered away before diving and disappearing. It was gone so long that we mounted up to continue our ride along the lake.

No photos of the loon, but as we rounded the corner, the marmots were there looking for a treat. People often drop off carrots for them and you can hand feed them, the carrots, not your fingers.

But I diverted from the theme, Time For a Review – my wife made me delicious blueberry pancakes this morning! She is too busy in the mornings to do that often but today I enjoyed her gift.

We all had blueberry pancakes, maple syrup of course and some were left over! Wahoo! (They could disappear though)

I jokingly told her I was going to go online and give her a review, and here it is: Five Star! The pancakes were generous with blueberries, still hot and had that lovely golden brown I like – they were a nice size also, bigger than silver dollars and smaller than a suitcase. LOL

“Sweet April showers do spring May flowers.” – Thomas Tusser

Reviews seem to be everywhere now and many businesses pester online for reviews for even the smallest transaction.

I mainly do reviews for small businesses that I like such as new restaurants, coffee shops, fruit stands etc. These are family businesses and they genuinely appreciate the support that a positive review brings.

What about negative reviews? If it’s a small business, talk to them directly as they will happily handle any reasonable feedback to help make you a regular customer. No business gets it perfect every time and so I think we should give businesses a second chance before reacting anyway. Most of negative reviews I read reflect badly on the people who wrote them and not on the business I think.

What about our review? How many stars would my wife and family give me? Fortunately they indulge my foibles and blunders and haven’t installed an ejection seat in the car.

Signing off now with pics of the baskets I made for Easter and thank you bunny much for reading today.

hugs, David♥

Posted in Just being creative, okanagan related, Thinking Out loud | Tagged , , , , , , , | 26 Comments

Give your head a Shake

Posted on March 23, 2025 by dfolstad58

Thank you friends who swing by to read my post – I appreciate you.

When I write a post and receive your feedback it encourages me to write again. ♥

What kind of title is this one today? Give your head a shake is just how I am feeling about the portion of the USA population that thinks Canadians should feel “complimented” regarding the whole 51st state issue.

Sorry to disillusion those people but Canadians are very, I would say “extremely” proud to be Canadian and have no desire to change.

I feel insulted by the whole attitude of those Trump Supporters, and I wonder if the education system exists “at all” below the 49th parallel!

Certainly there seems to me a lack of appreciation or knowledge for any understanding of the rest of the world or history. Perhaps insensitivity?

Canadians are united in their frustration and disappointment in how our country is being treated. I am appalled that Americans swallow and believe the untruths about Canada from DJT. I think most Canadians find it unbelievable that so many people can believe what he says.

A remark from the White House spokesperson said France would be speaking German if it wasn’t for the United States. Whoo boy! I am sure comment that flew like lead duck in the news in Paris! So much disrespect for France, and the Allies who fought for years, YEARS! before the USA joined WW2 and the same situation in WW1.

The people who know their history and who stuck up for them right from the beginning are in Europe and they love Canadians.

***********************************************************************

Certainly I know there are millions of Americans right now who feel Canadians are justified in feeling “pissed off” at the USA – thank you!

But I digress here and my rant stops now.

Yesterday it was beautiful early spring day here in the Okanagan valley and I walked along Skaha Lake with my son. The lake was calm and I am so glad to live a kilometre from a lake.

We noticed people looking up in a shoreline tree and two immense adult bald eagles were in the tree, at the top and about a foot apart. Nature is amazing.

My heart goes out to the people in the United States who have done everything right and by the book and yet are feeling threatened. I am speaking about the immigrants who hold jobs, own homes and contribute to their communities but because of racism are scared.

I hope the insanity stops soon. I feel like a friendship that has developed a fracture, a teacup dropped and shattered that cannot be mended.

Alongside the art garden these flags hang along with messages of love and acceptance. They remind me of prayer flags.

Now I invite you and recommend a detour to visit a blogger friend’s post that explains why Canada is definitely not “just like” the USA.

Here is the link that will be both entertaining and insightful – Link Link Link Link Link

See you next time – Hugs and Peace to you! – David

a lovely walk along Skaha lake and I was blessed with this view.
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Truths about life from a Canadian 90 Plus years old

Posted on March 7, 2025 by dfolstad58

Thank you to all my friends who read this post, add your comments and give me smiles. If you are reading this – I count you as a friend.

Achieving “vintage” status I have but I am not a nonagenarian (person in their 90’s) but today’s post is wisdom from one who is.

I happened to surf by and watch the interview of this well-known and successful Canadian and enjoyed it.

I am going to share his wisdoms and see if you can guess whom it was, and wind up this post with a link to the interview.

I shook more than one million hands in my life.

Question #1 – What does it feel like to be 90 plus years old?

You have to take one day at a time. I feel normal, I get up in the morning and go to work and enjoy life. I don’t think about my age, I only mention it to impress people and they are a bit surprised that I still come to earn my living at my age.

Question #2 – What are the things you have done to get to this point and feel how you feel?

In my family we tend to get quite old. My Dad when he died was almost 93, and I have a sister who went to a 100, another brother 99, and another brother 95. So you know, it’s normal in my family to be that age. My family had nine kids and the youngest when he died was 81.

Question #3 – What do we need to know about how you grew up to understand the person you are today?

My father was a blue collar worker in the paper mills, a machinist who came from the Royal part of Quebec. My Dad dreamed to have one of his kids be a politician and since I was a hyperactive kid he thought I had the energy needed to do that.

He started to train me very young just like you train your son to be a hockey player, you go to the hockey rink at 5 in the morning. I wanted to be an architect, and Dad said “You will never get elected as an architect. You go to law school.” In those days when your Dad said something, you listen, so I became a lawyer at this request and a politician as it was his desire.

Question #4 – What did you do differently than everyone else that lead you to your successes?

I always had interesting jobs and for me I never had a problem to get up to go to work. I always found interesting what I was doing and it was a pleasure for me.

A lot of people treat work as a burden because they don’t have jobs that they love. For me it was exciting, it was always new, always new challenges and in politics you have to perform. If you don’t perform they talk about it in the newspaper and on tv and so on. It’s very challenging.

A lot of people they go to work at 9 and come back home at 5 and there was nothing very exciting happening so they are happy to leave at five. They go home where they have fun with sports and family and so on.

One of the difficulties of politics is family life versus public life but I had married my girlfriend. She was the first girlfriend I had and she was my girlfriend 5 years before I married her. I was 23, she was 21 and we had 53 years of marriage. She was a great lady, well liked in Canada and well respected. She spoke 4 languages, great political judgment and always told me the truth in a nice way. I think a lot of people have a hard time finding love or being with the right person.

She had the calming influence on me

Question #5 – What was it about your wife that you knew she was the right person?

When I was a kid, I was over-excited all the time and my mother would say I would be the black sheep in the family. That was until I met this girl next door who became my wife.

My mother realized that she had a calming influence on me so she did everything for me to meet her. My mother decided that she was the woman for me and she was right. My wife and I grew up together basically and she was very patient. Everybody would say that we were making a good couple and she was an exceptional lady.

She asked me to retire at age 70 and I kept my word to her, of course, and I retired at 69 years and 11 months.

She was in charge of the house and she raised the kids virtually alone as I was always on the road. She handled everything. If she wanted to have a colour on the wall that I didn’t like, I would shut up. She was in charge of the house. If the kids were not happy, I was always on her side. As a matter of policy, my wife was always right.

Question #6 – How did you handle pressure?

For me a problem is a problem. When you have a problem you have to find a solution. In life have to hopefully always make the right decision. So I was calm apparently when there was a crisis. I would never get excited. On the contrary I would become calm knowing that I had to face a challenge. I was always decisive.

That was one quality that people mention of me, that I could make up my mind. Decisions need to be made every day when you are Prime Minister and responsible for 30 million people.

I love to go to Question Period but most Prime Minister they hate it. (Question Period occurs each day in the House of Commons in Canada and members of parliament ask questions of government ministers including the Prime Minister)

It was a challenge (Question Period) and I used to make the joke that you never know if you have done well there. Most people would turn to their staff and ask if they did alright. I didn’t have to do that, what I would do was that when I got up after I would do this (touches his armpit), and it was dry I had done well and if it was wet it’s because I had problems.

Never make a decision on the spur of the moment

My advice to handle decisions is this. Stay calm, stay calm. Don’t make a move on the spur of the moment. I never made a decision in front of a meeting of people because if you have 10 people around the table some are very eloquent but that doesn’t mean they are right. Put distance between the discussion and the decision. Have an hour or so of reflection to forget about the presentation, some are very good at presenting things, some are shy or not articulate and they might be ones who are right. I was known not to make a decision after a discussion.

Question #7 – What makes a great leader?

One has to be honest, to be frank, to be knowledgeable and hardworking. You must do your best. I did my best and at the end of the day I would come home and would say to myself, yeah, I did my best.

Do your best all the time, have pride and best quality of your work. Sometimes you might not succeed and it’s terribly unfair. But if you are working and not in the bar when your luck comes, then you will have a chance to do well.

Hugs to everyone that has read through to this point. ♥ David

I sincerely hope you enjoy hearing the perspective of this man. I believe when

seniors reach this age they become their most transparent self and have gifts to

share to those who will take a few moments to listen. I appreciate you all. – ♥

The wise gentleman interviewed here was elected a Canadian Member of Parliament an amazing 12 times!

He was elected to Parliament when he was 29 years old (even though his English

was not fluent then) and active until he was 70 years old. He never lost an election.

He was a leader of a majority government 3 times and 40 years in the Canadian

cabinet and also leader of the opposition in the House of Commons.

I hope you will listen to the whole interview of the

Right Honourable Jean Chretien.

Link here to an interview that may make you smile and provide wisdom for you to share.♥

Posted in O Canada, Thinking Out loud, Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , , , | 23 Comments

A Happy Story; Gnomes that Roam

Posted on February 22, 2025 by dfolstad58

Dear Readers, thank you for reading this post today. This is a happy story. A happy and true story that happened in Kelowna BC in the summer of 2024.

I set this story aside last summer because it was one that I wanted to share someday, and today is that day.♥

It’s a story about a secret society and unexpected kindness.

It’s a story about anonymous people doing something positive without even asking for recognition.

How I admire people who do kind things out of the goodness in their hearts.

I am blessed to encounter people like those and they refresh my mind, my optimism, and erase some of the negative and harmful ambience that sometimes seems so suffocating.

It felt today like I needed to share and think of something in the news that was optimistic and hopeful.

Gnome before disappearing

The cheerful report captured below was in the July 5, 2024 publication of the Kelowna news – https://www.kelownacapnews.com/local-news/secret-society-steals-restores-kelowna-gnomes-7428625

A Kelowna household was the latest subject of a covert restoration project undertaken by an ‘un-gnome’ organization. 

The group calls themselves the ‘Gnome Restoration Society,’ and Kelowna resident and gnome-owner Kelly Blair has no idea who or how many people may be involved in the secretive organization. 

In late June, Blair was sad to discover that his beloved, albeit weathered and worn, gnomes were missing from his front lawn. 

Having already had a few items – including a canoe – go missing from his property over the last few weeks, Blair assumed that thieves had snatched his gnomes and accepted the fact that the tiny men were likely never to be seen again.

“They were just gone,” said Blair.

However, on July 3, Blair curiously heard a knock at his backdoor.

There stood an elderly woman who presented a perplexed Blair with a blank envelope addressed to “The Homeowner.”

Inside the envelope was a cut-out image of a gnome with the words “The Gnome Restoration Society” inscribed on the back. 

The woman, would not answer any questions, then instructed Blair to follow her to her vehicle. 

“The lady wouldn’t tell me anything,” said Blair.

The woman told him that she was simply delivering the gnomes and was unable to answer any questions about the gnomes had been or who was involved in the secret society. 

She told Blair, “These folks want to remain anonymous.”

Then, she opened the back of her car and there they were – all of Blair’s gnomes in pristine condition. 

Every single gnome that had gone missing from his lawn, plus two extra had been cleaned, painted and were smiling up at him from boxes in the back of the mysterious woman’s vehicle. 

“The gnomes are home,” said Blair, to Black Press, in disbelief that he had been involved in such silly and wonderful mischief. 

“It totally made my day.”

Blair said his gnomes have never looked better, noting the attention to detail, creativity and craftsmanship of the paint job on every single one of the ten little men. 

One gnome had been left behind, either intentionally or by mistake and its weathered appearance serves as a reminder of just how much work went into the restoration of the ten other lawn ornaments.

“The detail is just incredible.”

Blair said he would like to thank all those involved in the gnome restoration project.

“Thank you so much for this random act of kindness.”

Black Press has been unable to uncover any additional information about the Gnome Restoration Society. 

It’s a wonderful and true story of kindness and Gnomes that roamed, but came back home.

I think it’s a reminder for me that giving kindness to others anonymously is always worthwhile.

Thank you for visiting – ♥ David

April 6, 2025 is GOOD DEEDS DAY, an annual event where millions from 115 countries do something impactful to help someone else have a better day.

A page on the website has a gallery of shared thoughts about doing good deeds – link is HERE ♥.

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How was your sleep last night?

Posted on February 13, 2025 by dfolstad58

Welcome my friends again to my blog and the title of today’s post is likely a question you have heard many times before. I’m glad you are visiting today. – David

Africa has taken the tv remote again – my daughter says she is a control freak. ♥♥♥

After all, when we groggily raise our heads in the morning and awareness returns; How was your sleep last night? might be one of the first questions of the day you receive.

According to Government of Canada health research over ONE-THIRD of Canadians between the ages of 5-79 fail to obtain the daily recommended amount of sleep.

Perhaps worse is that OVER 25% of adults report problems falling asleep, or staying asleep.

Insufficient sleep is big problem and is connected to a plethora of negative health problems including higher mortality and heart disease.

It’s not just physical either, insufficient sleep has been connected higher risk of depression and anxiety.

Sleep actually contributes to how our brains function, how our nerve cells communicate. Evidence now indicates that dreaming and rapid eye movement sleeps contributes to the removal of toxins that build up in our brains during our busy days. Dreaming is actually a healthy type of brain-washing.

Strangely enough I didn’t understand much about sleep until recently, and since it’s a huge chunk of our lives I felt that was strange.

I think I imagined the sleep process was like sinking into quicksand-oblivion and then re-awakening when I bob to the surface awake. That was all wrong.

Sleeping is more like a wheel, and as we sleep we rotate through different stages and one rotation is a sleep cycle.

What are the stages you ask?

First stage I call it the “Dozing Off” stage. In this stage our minds calm down, our muscles relax, eye movements and heartbeat slow down. In this stage you are just barely sleeping.

Second stage I call it “Light Sleep.” In this stage eye movements stop, and our body temperature drops. This stage shortens as you repeat the stages of sleep multiple times in one night. You can still be woken up easily in this stage of sleep.

Third Stage is a form of deep sleep I call “Hibernation” and it’s the deep core sleep where breathing and your heart rate are at their lowest. This is the stage of sleep that is the most refreshing and hopefully 80% of your sleep is in this stage of sleep. In this hibernation stage your body functions slow to a crawl (it’s a good idea to have an empty tummy) and it allows for head-to-toe restoration. Even the bones and muscles are strengthened in this stage and the immune system is boosted.

The fourth stage of sleep is “Vivid Dreaming“. This stage has rapid eye movements, your brain activity spikes, breathing, heart rate and blood pressure go UP! This is when you have those exciting dreams where you are running or fighting etc but our bodies have outsmarted us because in this stage of sleep our muscles are paralyzed. It’s a good thing ! It’s in this stage of sleep that sleep researchers think that the brain expels the toxins that have accumulated during the day.

Those are the four stages of sleep that make up ONE sleep cycle that on average last 90 minutes or so. It’s not uncommon to be able to sleep through more than one cycle in a night.

To summarize; sleep is when your brain cycles through four different stages of brain activity, all of which are important and each cycle takes roughly 90 minu53w and five to six cycles are optimum for our health.

Now that I have learned about these stages of sleep I understand why when I wake up in the night I don’t feel tired; it’s because in the middle of the night I am waking up naturally in stage one.

I feel groggy though when I am woken up in the middle of stage 3. That’s why if I am woken up after hitting the snooze button I feel groggy because I have gone into stage 3 hibernation sleep and my body is halfway through the deepest stage of a sleep cycle.

Now that I know it’s natural to go through stages of light sleep I try to roll over and go back to sleep and back to the deep core sleep when I complete the Vivid dreaming stage of sleep.

I am sure you agree that Sleep is an important part of your daily routine after all you spend about one-third of your time doing it.

I hope that today’s post was informational. ♥

I am sure it also makes sense that Quality sleep—and getting enough of it at the right times—is as essential to survival as food and water.

This is the 3 – 2 – 1 tips for sleeping for you to consider.

3 hours before bed:           No more food or alcohol.

2 hours before bed:           No more work.

1 hour before bed:             No more screen time (shut off all phones, TVs and computers).

If you do the above then perhaps Zero will be the number of times you’ll need to hit snooze in the morning.♥

Happy dreams everyone!

Sleep is the golden chain that ties health and our bodies together.” — Thomas Dekker, American Actor

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